Mom Fail

   Well I bet from the title of this post you have deduced that I will be talking about how I have failed as a mom. You are correct. And I am so overwhelmed with today that I cannot come up with a clever title. But that is what describes my day. Total MOM FAIL. 
   The last couple days I have been terribly irritable. I really dont have any idea what is going on with me. Things have been going pretty well lately. I have been really good about doing special things with the kids and keeping up with my house. BUT I must have given too much out and did so well by my kids that now I am totally overdrawn. And unlike my bank that covers me when I am overdrawn I have no safety net so my balance keeps getting deeper and deeper in the red. 
  I know that I wont be a perfect mom Ive let that idea go a long time ago. But I have to remember that I will have bad days and will need to give myself some grace. It just felt like today I literally was running around just putting out fires all day long. 

                  Jumping up to keep the baby off the table banging on the tv and then turning around to him almost dumping my coffee. 
                  Watching as my daughter hauls off and smacks her little brother with some toy. And then as I am consoling him she says "I dont know why hes crying he just started crying." 
      
   The list really goes on and on and on and on....I know this is my job as a stay at home mom. 24/7 with my kiddos doing all the fun and not so fun tasks. And please dont get me wrong I love my kids more than anything and I love being a mom. Today I just need a break and to put some gas back in the tank so I can face another day. I just feel so far gone that I dont know any other way to get back than to vent about it and move on.
   So thats what I am doing. Now its bedtime...woo hoo! And I will do some amazing mommy things as I get my kiddos ready for bed and send them off to dreamland. Then I will take advantage of some much needed alone time by working on some knitting and crochet orders while binge watching my latest love Grey's Anatomy. 
   I am more than willing to sacrifice some sleep for some alone time. I will just take an extra cup of iced coffee tomorrow. I will even treat myself to a Starbucks while Im out buying diapers tomorrow. 
  

Thanks for reading. I wouldnt be able to make it some days, today mainly, without you all out there. 

~Heather

Just what the doctor ordered.

Tonight I got to have a night out and a little refresher night. It was so nice to get out. I went with a girlfriend to see My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2.

My night started off with the kids not wanting me to leave. It was nice to see that the kids really appreciate it when I am there and didn't want to see me go. The movie was hilarious it was just what the doctor ordered for me and my friend. We needed a lot of laughs and that's what we got. We got to have those deep in your belly rumbling laughs.

Then after the movie I played the crane game. I told my daughter I would bring her a special surprise and every time we go to the movie theater she loves to play this crane game. You put your money in and you play until you win a prize. They're just silly little stuffed animals but for $2 you get fun playing until you win the prize. I had so much fun pretending to be a kid again playing the crane game to win prizes for my kids.

After that I got in my car alone which is very rare for me to not have two kids in the backseat. What was I to do.... blast the radio and sing my little heart out and dance in my seat. I just wanted to remember this feeling getting out, having some laughs and having fun with a girlfriend pretending like I didn't have responsibilities.

I wouldn't change my job as mommy for anything but it is nice to have a little break every once in awhile.

**typed Friday 4/1/16

Just a thought *women's issue content*

So I'm getting undressed for my yearly woman's exam and something hits me. Every time I'm in here for an exam either routine or during pregnancy its the same. Undress completely and then I hide my unmentionables under my shirt and pants.

Why do we do this? Who is going to see them? The doctor? The nurse? They are getting a front row seat to my most private parts and I'm worried about them seeing my panties?

This just struck me as ironic and gave me a chuckle at myslef this morning.  Happy Monday everyone... :)

2nd Child Syndrome

Ever since I got pregnant with Calin I knew he was going to fall into "second child syndrome". I have been really down on myself about this. And today I had an epiphany,  an ah-ha moment if you will. I had a thought about why he has "second child syndrome" and I've realized I'm beating myself up too much. Its time to cut myself some slack.

When I was pregnant with my daughter I was unemployed.  I found out through several unsuccessful working experiences, several psychiatric hospital stays, and lots of counseling and self evaluation that I cant work like "normal" people. Through my mental history, life experiences,  abuse from my employer, and my unfortunate people pleaser personality I could not work a typical job anymore without major damage to myself. So this led to a decision to being unemployed. My husband and I had several conversations about me being a stay at home mom when we had children so being "stay at home" a little earlier than planned wasnt a huge deal. He had a great job and thankfully it wasnt a struggle financially. 

So while I was pregnant I had plenty of time to focus on the bundle of joy I was growing.  I was able to pick out baby clothes, create a detailed registry, decorate the nursery,  complete all my checklists (enough of all the essentials and organizing all those said essentials into their perfect place).

The only non related baby thing on my plate was college. I took a few Spanish classes at the local community college. So I had plenty of time to scrapbook,  fill out her baby book, and write letters in the journal I made for her. Almost every week of my pregnancy I wrote a  letter to Bailee. I wrote it as a journal entry expressing all the wonderful and sometimes not so wonderful things about being pregnant with her.

Being pregnant with Calin has been a whole different experience. Being the mom of a toddler and being pregnant was totally different than just being pregnant. With Bailee I could still nap when I wanted. With Calin I maybe napped ten times. Its impossible to nap when your 2 year old is running around needing you. So between the constant morning sickness into my 16-18 weeks and the energy charged two year old I was exhausted. There was no time for scrapbooking.

And for the baby book, HA! I totally forgot about the baby book. The week before my due date it hit me one day. I didnt think the "second child syndrome" hit til after the baby was home. And so I bought a baby book for my son a week before his due date and still havent wrote a single thing in it by the way.

I have to be honest. I started this post weeks ago. I saved it to a draft the day I started writing it once the kiddos woke up from their nap. That has been weeks and just now I am finishing. I have more to say about my experience with the "second child syndrome" but out of sheer determination I am finishing this post now as is. So stay tuned for the rest of the story.

Cupcake wars watch out!!

I mean literally "watch out". I have been binge watching cupcake wars while nursing the little guy in the late night hour and while working on orders for my business that is booming!

I have been wanting to try my hand at homemade cupcakes and from scratch frosting for awhile.  I ruin a cake or cookie mix almost every time.  I didn't even want to attempt homemade while my emotions have been on edge lately. I knew if I screwed them up, which was inevitable,  it would ruin me.

Well I made it passed my four year anniversary of the last time I cut. It has been an extremely hard year especially the last week and its a miracle I am still cut free. WOO HOO!!!

So I decided last night I felt good enough to try my luck at cupcakes.

I found some simple recipes on pinterest and got my mixer out. The batter came together lovely. However I messed up the cook time and they were dry and a little burnt. The frosting said it was a no fail buttercream frosting which would have been perfect. And it did taste good but it was a sugar cookie frosting recipe, not quite what I was hoping for.

When all was said and done they looked delicious. They were edible and my daughter loved them.  I couldn't bring myself to eat more than one.

Ill try again. I just kept thinking of what the cupcake wars judges would have said about em... hehehe.

Wowed by God!

 I have a "Our Daily Bread" daily devotions book that I love. I use it every morning for their wonderful devotions and help guiding me through my bible reading. I also use Joyce Meyer's "Ending Your Day Right" daily devotion every night. 

Last night's devotion, this morning's devotion, and today's bible reading all have the same theme. I love how God can strike you over the head sometimes with a lesson you need to learn. Before I share what the devotions were I'd like to share a similar experience with you from last year, actually about this same time too! I'm telling you God is AMAZING!!

Last June I was down visiting my family and I was using a daily devotion called "365 Most Important Bible Passages for You". We had decided we wanted another baby so we had been trying for a few months. We really wanted a January baby since my due date would have been really close to my husband's birthday. When May came and went and I found myself not pregnant I was really discouraged and frustrated. 

I told myself I couldn't take it anymore, the excitement and then the let down. It was too much of an emotional roller coaster for me. I had a friend who had been trying for over 2 years and I couldn't even imagine what kind of strength that took mentally. 

So I had planned on talking to my husband when I got back home and tell him I could't try anymore. It was just too much for me. Well my day to start came and went. My sister always said a sure way to make your Aunt Flo come visit was to take a pregnancy test. So I bought one the next day. I waited until two days after I was supposed to start and took the test. 

I was shocked and so excited I nearly screamed. I would have but I was at my family's house and my hubby wasn't around. I didn't want to tell anyone before him. I did though. I told my two and a half year old daughter. I couldn't contain my joy! She wasn't going to tell anyone. 

The next day my devotion was all about God's timing. The devotion commentary stated "the Lord does not function on our timetable. And that is frustrating" and "He knows what is what and how things work. And sometimes he doesn't help us out just when we think he should. It's not because he likes to watch us suffer, but because he wants to grow our faith in him."

I have always had a struggle with control issues. I think that is how I got through some pretty tough times in my life was controlling everything. If I was in control of everything then there wasn't anything that could pop up and ruin me. The saying "the fear of the unknown" was a constant debilitating fear for me.

I just sat back in awe after I read that devotion commentary that day. It was like God spoke directly to me saying, "Heather, I'm going to give you what you want. I am blessing you with another baby. But you do not control when you will have a baby. Just as you do not control everything. You have no control. I am in control. It's about time you learned this once and for all." 

WOW!!! That was so amazing. God knew exactly what I needed to learn. Looking back we only tried a few months before getting pregnant. And we were blessed with a baby boy, the first boy on both of our sides of the family. 

My devotions yesterday and today are about waiting on God. I think that strength goes along with the knowledge that God is in control not us. Joyce Meyer wrote "any time you become frustrated and start trying to make things happen on your own, it is a sure sign you are not being patient with God. You need to practice waiting on God and let Him do what He wants to do, in His way and time." She also says "patience is not merely waiting; it is how you act while you are waiting." 

And this morning's devotion talked about several bible stories about waiting "Abraham waiting for a child, the Israelites waiting for deliverance from Egypt, and the disciples waiting for Jesus to act like the powerful Messiah they anticipated." 

Powerful stuff!! The author of today's devotion asks the question "As we wait, why are we so often fearful and axnious?"

The bible reading today covered some of the Psalms. In particularly Psalm 101 spoke volumes to me. I'm going to end this post with that Psalm. I know in our society today we are an instant gratification type of people. I am challenged daily to wait on God and rely on Him to be in control. I am so glad He is still working on me daily.

Have a great day everyone!
xoxox ~ Heather

Psalm 101      

I will sing of your love and justice, Lord.
     I will praise you with songs.
I will be careful to live a blameless life-
     when will you come to help me?
I will lead a life of integrity
     in my own home.
I will refuse to look at 
     anything vile and vulgar.
I hate all who deal crookedly;
     I will have nothing to do with them.
I will reject perverse ideas
     and stay away from every evil. 
I will not tolerate people who slander their
     neighbors. 
I will not endure conceit and pride.

I will search for faithful people
     to be my companions.
Only those who are above reproach 
     will be allowed to serve me. 
I will not allow deceivers to serve in my 
     house,
     and liars will not stay in my presence.
My daily task will be to ferret out the wicked
     and free the city of the Lord from their
     grip.

My homemade yogurt mix

I love the fruit and yogurt parfaits at McDonald's. I love the berries and I love the taste of the yogurt. I don't like paying $1 for one when I can buy the ingredients myself and make a ton of them for about the cost of maybe 5. So here is my at home fix for my Mickey D's parfait craving. 

Ingredients: 
Vanilla Yogurt : I bought a large tub for $3
Vanilla Extract : I already had this in the cupboard but I think it cost me less than $2
Blueberries : I bought a package for about $1.50 
Strawberries : I bought a package for $2.50
Cinnamon : I had this in the cupboard too but I think it was less than $2 as well

The vanilla extract and cinnamon go a long way so I really don't count the cost as much for these parfaits. I washed up my blueberries and strawberries and put them in fruit saver bags to help them last longer. 

When I want to whip up this yummy dish I put a serving of yogurt in a bowl, add a cap-full of vanilla extract and a sprinkle of cinnamon, and mix well. Then I add a handful of blueberries and a handful of strawberries. 

And there you have it! My yogurt wasn't tasting quite as delicious as the McDonald's yogurt. It may have needed to be "french" vanilla but I couldn't find any in the big tubs when I was at the store. So today I added the vanilla extract and some cinnamon and it was delicious! 

By the way I thought of adding the cinnamon based on what I read in a workout post about cinnamon being a good metabolism booster. I don't know if my sprinkle of cinnamon was enough to help but it definitely made it taste yummy. 

Feel free to add some granola on top if you like some crunch with your yogurt. 

Good night everyone! I cant wait to have this again for breakfast after my workout tomorrow!

~Heather